Donald Rumsfeld: War Criminal Extraordinaire

Congratulations, Donny. Now, not only are you a international criminal, but the world finally recognizes it! Boy, it must feel really good to get the credit you’ve tried so hard to achieve. After all, it was you who decided that the Geneva convention — for some reason — didn’t apply to you. It was you who craftily realized that while we had this aversion to actually torturing prisoners (at least physically), other countries had no such qualms — so why not turn over some of our prisoners to them? It was you who established an atmosphere that just begged for abuse, by putting guards in charge of interrogations, by refusing to disseminate any accepted guidelines for prisoner treatment, by having only minimal oversight, by refusing any independent human rights body (or, frankly, anyone) access to prisoners, by claiming the United States was above the law. God on our side, and all that (to paraphrase your boss). You managed to completely gloss over the 25 suspicious prisoner deaths on your watch; sure, those aren’t Saddam numbers, but you’ve still got time.

And you managed to pull all this off despite the vast majority of our troops (and hell, probably even the mercenaries) being honest, ethical citizens — wow, you must have worked hard. Boy, who knew that — despite overwhelming evidence of systematized prisoner abuse for months now, it would take photographs to really get folks to pay attention to your work. (Boy, isn’t it funny to see all those Senators pretend to be “shocked” now, when they’ve known about these abuses since January?)

You even managed to get CBS News to hold off on releasing the story for two whole weeks so you could cover your ass — and kept just about every other media outlet from even mentioning that fact.

Congratulations, Donny! You’ve proven yourself to be the psychotic maniac I always knew you were. And your boss is behind you 100 percent! No apologies from the head of this regime, no sir!

Tell you what, Donny — I’ll lead the charge. From now on, we’ll start calling you “Warlord” Rumsfeld. “Secretary” was sounding a little silly for such a macho guy like you anyway, right?